LiFE AinT Wat U WaNt It tO bE bUT itS GoOoOoOD!!!

dear God

tame this wild heart

make me whole

may i not be a fool

lead astray by worldly concepts

made to believe evrything is by my own strength

made to believe living in sin is okay

made to belive that compromising my faith is the right thing

Dear Lord

I will never leave your side

even if the gap between us was ever wide

i’ll run after You

having faith that You’re the only one

that makes me ..

happy .

Dear Lord

may i not be a hypochrite of my own words

may i not be seen as how the world perceives of me

but how You see me

and how much You love me

You make everything seem okay

even if it wasnt as bright as day

but deep down i know You’ve got me safe under

You potray it by giving me a hidden strength to persevere

I know You made me special

i know Youre gonna surprise me with more to come

I’ll be waiting dear Lord

I wont forget how You found me.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

was studyin fr micro. and well..  i was thinking to myself for the past week ” im gonna fail”. but just before this . i felt at peace. like everythings gonna be okay.

and theres smtg else.  hopefully. things will turn out rite.

so what if i dont wear dresses

so what if im not wife material

so what if i love clubbing

so what if i get drunk occasionally

im nt changing myself for you

to accomodate your needs

its only me myself and i at this point

get outta my head you punk !

baby if you cant accept my nerdy side

if you give me that look cos of my piercings

go find another

don expect me to be waiting up

lookin at you in the same light

get lost punk !

i wanna be me

im only just me

dont change me

cos YOU DONT DESERVE ME !!!

BOOOO YAHH!!!

its 1.30 in the morning. lost an hour due to daylight savings . sheeshh…. even an hour means a lot to me. studyin wise..

gah!! im sucha geek this year. am halfway done with one assignment. and gotta start on the other. sighh… and theres dispening exam this tues. which determines if i pass or fail pharmacy school. im nt kidding!! its that serious.

was readin thru lab prep fr dispensing fr bout an hour. was suppose to do my assignment b4 that but i fell asleep on the sofa instead. FAIL!!! but oh well..

think all i talk about now. is about my freaking stressfull assignments and studyin and gettin that studentship. argh. but i guess its a good thing. i actually feel flattered when ppl call me geek or nerd. compared to what i was called  bck then  in health sci things have changed huh..

ok. so tmrw. im gonna bury myself at hunters till 6pm. and maybe watch a bit of anime. and then start on dispensing again. besides juggling time for assignments and studyin. life is hard!!! and multi taskin is really gettin on my nerves !!

besides studyin.. what else.. realised that even in normal conversations all i talk about is studyin. omgoodness. ave i become this boring?? was so ashamed when this kinda cute guy was asking me how was my day. and being me.. i was waxing lyrical about my never ending work load and how bitchy the lecturers can be. he stopped me . and said “umm.. besides studyin. how r u?”  at this point.. in my head , i was doin all of chyi mei’s awkward signs - the flying bird, the tumbleweed and the sweat sweat sweat (anime)

aaarghhH!! embarassing man!!! he must think im a nerd. well. i am.. but… sigh. sometimes im happy that im not clubbin or drinkin or swearing as much anymore. but .. sometimes. maybe i need a lil life? ok maybe not swearin. or drinking as much..

lets just wait till the hols come. i’ll be free then!! for now. nerd peace

currently in love with leona lewis’s new song - HAPPY

especially this part of the song :

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy 

** its 2.20 am . just finished doin a lil studyin.sigh.. so dissapointed with myself. i guess its true when they say you are your biggest critic

well.. i need to lose more weight. tho a few of my friends ave asked me to stop. but i guess im already addicted to exercise. and .. the losing weight part.

also .. i need more time to study.. i need to gear up. i need that studentship!! i need to push myself to the limit

there was one question .. some person asked me a long time bck ‘ do u enjoy makin urself suffer? ‘ that question has been stuck in my head ever since. do i? do i like this ? do i like pushing myself to the limit ?

but then again. there is no growth if there is no pain. and i know its worth it. someday .. somehow..it will be.

med library is soothing. the environment helps me clear my head. but it sux cos of its limited hours. closes at 11pm. i need more than that ..

ive gone bck to doing the cross trainers. yeah they were my training wheels in losing weight. the classes are good , just dat sometimes i don feel like doin them.

im just prayin that what im doing is right. i do get lost . and it does get lonely at times. but. i need to persevere . i get scared fr no reason sometimes too. i hate the idea of walkin aimlessly. well i have goals , but im nt sure if i can reach them or am i realistic enough.

i guess my dark side has finally made peace with my not-so-dark side. lol. guess i was just bein PMS-EE or just stressed tryin to keep up with dead lines and studyin. but i got my well deserved break on thurs nite. haha. which involved tequilla
had a lil too much. woke up with a hangover and had to rush over for group discussion on human ethics . but it was all good cos i was a happy drunk that nite. hahaha .

today morn , su rynn and i FINALLY got that piercing love u long time su rynn!! sam was relieved i think that i finally got it. i wanted to do it last year. but didnt think i was ready. i had cold feet la a couple of days back thinkin if i shuld. but i did it anyways. and i LOVE it!! but guess.. with this piercing im gonna be labelled the “rebellious one” again. hahaha.

oh well.. you only live once , why not. haha.

currently tryin to finish up physical pharm. one more lect to go and im done. well. not really. i still have heaps of past year papers to do , tutorials , and writting up that stupid ethics essay. im so tempted to write a short note at the bottom of the essay sayin “its unethical to let us students suffer for your own entertainment “ pharm school is soo CRUEL!!

life is looking up recently.. guess that dark cloud has left me yay!!

fr now.. im really really hoping i get that studentship. really hopin that this year will bring out the best of me. and not the worst. this year , im really pushing myself to the limit. out of my comfort zone and being OUT THERE. i need to learn how to adapt to situations in order to survive life’s many struggles.

** to happygoth . thank you for stickin around. u make me feel less insane when i feel like im “losing it” haha. life sux , but at least i have you to share it with. and yes.. i realised this year , that i cant live without you. lol. u’ll always have that special place in my heart la tho vre seperated by distance and time. love u long time!!

dear Jesus

if You were sitting nex to me right now.  I’ll tell you how sinful I am. bt i guess you already know that. the things ive done , the things im doing and the things dat are to come.

I’ll tell you how much i appreciate Your work. everything frm the tiniest detail on a flower petal to the clouds in the sky , all wonderfully made by You. I appreciate the ppl you placed in my life. I know its no coincidence. Thank you Lord fr i never knew friendships could be this beautiful. and You have taught me that even with distance , a friendship can still be goin strong even after so many years.thank You fr blessing me with amir. You’ve taught me that things that only experiences can mold me into. thank You Lord fr sam. she has been my strength in so many ways. she teaches me to look at the brighter things in life and is deffinately my reality check

the circle of friends You’ve blessed me with is so amazing . I cannot thank You enough . the ppl bck in Msia , frm college , frm high school . amazing ppl they are.

Dear Jesus , these days  .. Ive been led astray. not physically. but spiritually. It seems so hard to sit down and pray nwadays. I find it a burden to pray. a burden to read my bible. a burden to do my devotional time. Ive been quite angry recently. and i think its cos “he” triggered it. “he” brought bck bits of the past i knew he shouldnt. he kept askin me questions. and without realising , i had relieved bits of my past in memory.

Dear Jesus. pls make me better. I know this is so lame to be bloggin like this. bt i do somewhat feel better after bloggin this . I wonder if you read my blog. well i guess You wouldn ave to cos , you read the “blog” in me heart everyday.lol.

amen

here i am again. blogging.. tryin to restring my thoughts bck into order. ive nt exactly been feeling myself lately.

currently listening to munehiro , benni and a few other jap artists. i guess i am very asian in that sense. i love their music videos . it some what potrays reality or life as I see it.

fr the past week. i just feel that my rebellious side is dying to come out.

i cant explain it. bt yeah . imagine leather, a lotta black, and a very angry me.

i tot gym would help. seems to only help with a small portion of me.

im feelin restricted. wanting to breath. wanting smtg i cant reach yet.

been tryin to suppress a lot of that anger. bt i have no idea where is it all coming from …

i gotta cope. this cant be me.

ahh.. bt that dark side looks so tempting.

i wanna be sitting by an alley way ,  aving a few ciggies, leather and all , and just sitting there chilling.

i guess theres a lot of me i dont know.

was i made to be angry?

i pray not

its overwhelming sometimes

whats keepin me in one piece nw , is to graduate. once i grad , life will be hw i want it, hw i mold it , and hw i damm like it to be.

ah , jie ning ur so rebellious. why is dat ? why are u so angry ? why ? whose hurting you now child ?

no one.. theres no one hurting me. bt i wanna fly. i cant breath. i need space. i want to go away.. i want to run far away .its hard . u said it’ll be easy . its nt. i dont want to do this anymore. take me away .

be strong . move on. one lil step at a time . in the end it’ll be worth it ning. what will be will be

you promise? you promise it’ll be worth it?

yes. i promise.  you’ll make it in the end. no one is going to hurt you. i wont let them . you’ll be there

the awesome peeps you meet along the way msian committee 09

sometimes.. v’re too busy concentrating in one area of our lives. v just miss the whole BIG picture .

for me.. i now know , i was concentrating too much on one side of me , i never actually did anything to make myself happy. i kept myself too busy. with things that did require my attention and responsibility, but .. i needed time out for myself.

things to be happy about
- sam sam ( my best friend whom i adore and love wholesomely. she’s the most awesome person ever! seriously )

-the fact that im more mature nw.. somewhat.. and im actually makin proper discissions with my head and nt just my emotions

- my family ( who has been surportive since the beginning. yes they do have flaws. but so do i .. and i do really HEART them)

- hols are coming soon that is when i’ll let my inner child let loose. muahaha!!

- knowing God has me in all His plans. He knows best la. so i guess i shouldnt question the maker. hahaha.

- the ppl im surrounded by are just really awesome ppl la.. lifegroup , the msian community . v’re like totally together gether la. hahaha. love u ppl heaps

how do make an angry soul less angry?

how do make someone not numb anymore?

how much should i trust

dammn. questions like these are goin thru my head so often now. well after seein a certain someone, i realised that im much more complicated then i am. at least i know im handling this situation very “maturely” now. haha.

well. yesterday i decided. that v shuldn meet anymore. yes. it did hurt. bt i guess it was for the best. it took me a lot of courage to do so. cos. well, for those who really knw me, i usually am very impulsive. thinking with my emotions rather than my head.

i do like him. bt. its.. just “like” .. and its too much of trouble for me to see where it goes…and if i continue meeting him , im worried i wont be able to stop myself.. i better stop it here. bt .. he was really different la. he was one of those guys i wished i met way earlier. like.. i guess if i met him bck when i was in form 5, where the anger all began. i guess. he would ave been long term material . oh well..

yeah im goin thru the same process again. it hurts less tho. maybe cos .. im still healing frm past experiences. bt yeah. i realised. this time im more rational. i try not to think about it. and yes. i really need to pray.

yes. i know im still angry about a lot of things.. bt so far , its helped me get thru. im tryin to LIVE now. at least makin the best of it.

one day. i guess.. some day. i shall be trully happy.

wondering if what im doing is right

wondering if i shouldnt have met you

wondering if i brought this to myself

all i wanted

was to be happy

to be left alone

for ppl to stop caring for me

im just contented with one good friend and family … well that was what i thought

but all of a sudden

you came in

and u caught me off guard

i didnt know how to react

i didnt know what to say

i was actually happy

but you see

ppl talk

ppl look

and ive got responsibilties

no matter how innocent this is

ppl dont see it that way

and i don know why ppl judge

but they do

yes im sick of ppl talkin behind my back

they always seem to have so much to say dont they

just to let you now

im happy for now

ur like a beautiful disaster

should i be selfish and enjoy you for now

or should i stop seeing you

and so ppl can stop talkin

sighh… i have so many responsibilities. things that ive never thought of before. and ive got to watch everything i do. its not as simple as u think it is. yes you do make me happy. bt is it worth it? me being happy? is this worth fighting for that ive got to go against ppl. i’ll decide later.

you always say im running. yes. thats the option i choose. bt im really happy that u stopped to listen. no one has ever done that for me in a very long time.. a very very long time… every word you say , nails what im feeling . you leave me lost for words, cos its like youve known me before you met me.

i was tellin God that how i ran away from you last year. cos i didnt want to get into trouble. and i really ran.. thinking you wont bother. but u always seem to come bck.

yes. i need time to think. yes.. i need time to pray… no this is different frm health science. this is different.

i told you.i wont make that same mistake again.i vowed to myself to not put myself in such a vulnarable position ever again

but .. you make me feel so vulnarable.. and yet. secure. cos its u.argh! ok. i should stop. and pray. i need to pray. its not you. its me

you want to make me better. you want to help me heal. and i appreciate it. but.im scared. of bein emotionally attached. im very diff now. and i know it. theres things i feel im missing. things of my old self i cant seem to find again. i gave too much of myself away. and now.. all im left with is numbness. i don feel anything anymore. im sorry